Define "chronic" masturbator.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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