my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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