Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
