i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
