just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
