You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
