I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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