We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
false alarm. still invincible.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
