Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
