I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize