She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
