omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
