I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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