Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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