I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
