Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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