We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
