She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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