he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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