White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
