he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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