I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
