Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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