She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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