seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
