i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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