My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
