Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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