I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
