He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
