Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
