Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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