He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize