I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize