Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
