bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
