either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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