The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
