I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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