All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
