Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
