So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
