just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
