She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
