When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I supernannyed him into submission
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
