My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
