Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
