So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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