so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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