Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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