I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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