he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
