if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my shit smells like andre
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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