Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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