when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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