It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
