I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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