My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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